OT: broken heart

So sorry. Not much you can do but be supportive of your daughter and granddaughters.

I'm so sorry. Since it does sound as if any final decisions have been made, is marriage counseling an option?

I think he has to be in the area for that doesn't he? He is now 4 hours away. I have no idea what he intends to do about work, but his job is here in Houston.

My daughter is equally responsible for this, and yes I think counseling would be a good idea, but for right now I am thinkning it is not going to happen.

Many states have provisions to 'make' both parties attend marriage counseling- even if one doesn't want it and some states make both parties attend even if 'both' don't want it. Your daughter needs legal council- like right now- to find out where to go from here. I always recommend getting the meanest and most dirty-fighting attorney a person can find. Even when things look like the can be attended to with complete cooperation and on friendly terms it doesn't happen that way most of the time. I am sorry for her. This is a very difficult time for her on so many fronts. Just be there for her and listen- please don't bad-mouth him or take sides... *IF* they should get back together it will make things very difficult/uncomfortable for you. Sadly, I have BTDT.

Leslie

I think he has to be in the area for that doesn't he? He is now 4 hours away. I have no idea what he intends to do about work, but his job is here in Houston.

My daughter is equally responsible for this, and yes I think counseling would be a good idea, but for right now I am thinkning it is not going to happen.

A friend at work, whose daughter is going through somethine similar, told me she found this site. Don't know if it will help you.

Good luck, my thoughts are with your daughter and her children.

-Irene

Thank you.

I think he has to be in the area for that doesn't he? He is now 4 hours away. I have no idea what he intends to do about work, but his job is here in Houston.

My daughter is equally responsible for this, and yes I think counseling would be a good idea, but for right now I am thinkning it is not going to happen. __________ I see your point. I've heard of cases where one spouse started counseling alone, and then tried to get the other spouse to attend on down the line. That might be an option for your daughter (or even your son-in-law).

Tough situation all around though.

All you can do is be supportive. Naturally, you want to help, but this might be one of those times to remind yourself that there's only so much you can do. Hang in there!

.

My daughter is thinkning about some counseling for herself and has asked her husband to contact his employer services rep about a referral for the girls. Depression runs in his family; I thnk his mom will piush him to get some counseling. I think my DH and I really need to be supportive of the granddaughters -- is anyone leaves a room, one of the girls has to check on where they are; the other one wants to know can she stay at out house as long as she wants to. I just hope that we gt old and needy, everyone remembers to take care of us LOL.

Thanks for your support.

Elizabeth in Spring, Texas

My heart and prayers go out to you. DH & I have been facing a similar situation this summer with my daughter and her husband. They were married 20 years in April. Their situation is messy, and we will be shocked if they can work it out. They have 2 children - 11 year old son, and 9 year old daughter.

My daughter is thinkning about some counseling for herself and has asked her husband to contact his employer services rep about a referral for the girls. Depression runs in his family; I thnk his mom will piush him to get some counseling. I think my DH and I really need to be supportive of the granddaughters -- is anyone leaves a room, one of the girls has to check on where they are; the other one wants to know can she stay at out house as long as she wants to. I just hope that we gt old and needy, everyone remembers to take care of us LOL.

Thanks for your support.

Elizabeth in Spring, Texas

____________ I'm glad to hear counseling may be in the cards. Whatever the outcome, your daughter (and son-in-law) should come out stronger on the other end, which might alleviate some of the trauma.

While this is a very insecure time for everyone, your granddaughters will benefit greatly by having your steady, calming influence. At least they can count on you and your DH not to change and always be there for them. They are VERY LUCKY to have you.

And I bet they will remember when you're the ones needing the care!

Elspeth: The only suggestion I have is to make three small hug quilts for your 'girls.' These do not have to be fancy ... they don't even need to be pieced. Try a big panel and tie the quilt ... or make a few fleece snuggle blankets in favorite motifs. It will help soothe you as you work, and will give them a bit of softness in a harsh time. PAT

Ah, Sherry, I am sorry for you all too, and most sorry for the children who can be so injured by parents' actions and decisions. There is plenty of blame to go around in our situation, but I think the marriage can be salvaged if they will find that "place" where they can meet each other half way.

I'm so sorry to hear this Elizabeth. I will keep you all in my prayers. It's a tough situation to be in and hard to know what to say often times. Being a supportive parent is often all you can do. I hope all works out for the best.

Hugs, Mika

I'm with Leslie on this. Even if he's not wanting a divorce, seek legal council. I wish I'd been smart enough to do that when I went through my divorce. But I believed him when he said we could remain friends...that lasted until I moved out of state. I was fortunate to get what I did, but he still owes me money (won't ever see it, so I've written it off but every once in awhile, for kicks and grins, I figure up how much he owes me now if you tack on the interest that the divorce decree allows...Originally $4,000, now almost $20,000. Unfortunately, neither state would enforce the decree because we didn't have children (that's a blessing really, the not having children as he wouldn't have supported them either). What irks me the most, the last time I talked to my ex-MIL, she flat out lied to me and told me he still wasn't working (yeah, right...I know what he's been doing, know where he lives now and just keep my mouth closed).

Still, it's not an easy thing to go through and your support will be greatly appreciated, I'm sure. I'd have been lost without my parents at that time in my life. I'm much happier, healthier and like myself so much more now.

Keeping you and your daughter and granddaughters in my thoughts and prayers. Hugs, Tigg

I listened to a neighbor tell her 15 yo son "you lie too much" and then just kind of laugh. I wanted to ask her how much lying is 'too much'? I haven't trusted a thing out of any of the whole family since. Sheesh. My heart goes out to all the kids that have to deal with all the crap involved in divorces. What a sad thing. TAria

Tigg wrote:

I have to admit that I was very fortunate growing up. My parents have been married 56 years, never really fought that us kids heard (we knew only because Mom wouldn't talk to anyone and Dad would disappear to the shop), and even those that we knew about were few and far between. Most of my friends come from broken marriages and most of my friends have said they wished my parents were their parents. I think the same is true for my brother and sister's friends growing up.

I don't cotton to lying, never have. Honesty may hurt someone's feelings but in the long run, is always the better way to go. Once you tell a lie, you're always having to tell more to cover the first one and they get bigger and more detailed and soon, who's to say where the truth really is in anything that person is saying (like you said, Taria, you don't trust anything that family says).

My sister is seperated from her second husband (no kids from that marriage) but has two boys with her first husband, and those kids have suffered quite a bit when they split up. I don't know much of the details and I think I'm better off not knowing since what little I've heard scares me. I'm glad I didn't have kids to have to go through that (although I wanted kids desperately). At least my kid is of the

4-legged variety and the current one didn't know the ex. Zena didn't miss him when we left, she was totally my dog. I still miss her.

Hugs, Tigg

along the same line that Tigg was talking about - just received this as an email from a friend... Times have surely changed from when I grew up.... This is a sad, but true commentary on the way it used to be and the way it now is...

My parents told me about Mr. Common Sense early in my life and told me I would do well to call on him when making decisions. It seems he was always around in my early years but less and less as time passed by. Today I read his obituary. Please join me in a moment of silence in remembrance, for Common Sense had served us all so well for so many generations.

Obituary Common Sense

Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as knowing when to come in out of the rain, why the early bird gets the worm, life isn't always fair, and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spend more than you earn) and reliable parenting strategies (adults, not children are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a six-year-old boy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job they themselves failed to do in disciplining their spoiled and self-important children. It declined even further when schools were required to get written parental consent to administer Aspirin, sun lotion or a Band-Aid to students, but were restricted from informing parents when their child became pregnant and skipped class to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the Ten Commandments became contraband; churches became businesses, schools were forbidden to fail students who couldn't read and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a severe beating when home owners were forbidden from using force against an attacker in their own home but the burglar was legally allowed to sue a home owner if he was injured on their property during the commission of the crime.

Common Sense finally died after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was actually hot and, when spilled in her lap while she was trying to drink and drive at the same time, was burned and promptly awarded a huge financial settlement in court.

Common Sense was preceded in death by his parents, Truth and Trust; his wife, Discretion; his daughter, Responsibility; and his son, Reason. He is survived by three stepbrothers; I Know my Rights, Someone Else is to Blame, and I'm a Victim.

Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.

I have to admit that I was very fortunate growing up. My parents have been married 56 years, never really fought that us kids heard (we knew only because Mom wouldn't talk to anyone and Dad would disappear to the shop), and even those that we knew about were few and far between. Most of my friends come from broken marriages and most of my friends have said they wished my parents were their parents. I think the same is true for my brother and sister's friends growing up.

Amy, it does seem that we've run along the same lines. I've not met anyone I'd consider marrying again, not sure I would anyway. I've told friends I'd like to meet a guy who wants to go do things on occasion, maybe spend the night once in awhile and then take his happy butt home. I don't want to cook for him, or clean for him, on a regular basis. I figure if I'm meant to be with someone, God will find a way to put us together but I'm convinced it's not someone I'll meet on the internet (tried that, met one nice guy but he decided I live too far away...the other two were...let's just say they soured me on the internet dating scene).

My ex pulled his crap when I was very sick. The nephrologist in Oregon had told me that they weren't saving my life, merely extending it. He was *shocked* when the kidney problem went into remission (and has stayed in remission). The ex got a girlfriend (who was also married...apparently they dated in high school and she'd moved to Seattle, found out he lived in Portland and they got back together...have since married each other.). I went to visit my parents for a month so he could have time to think and he spent $1200 running back and forth to Seattle while I was gone (like I couldn't check the bank account) then got pissed off when I pulled most of my disability out of the account (I wasn't about to support his girlfriend). Suddenly it was my fault the car payment was going to bounce (I pulled $600...if he hadn't been running all over the country, it wouldn't have been an issue).

I am much happier now. I like myself. I do what I want to do, don't have to answer to anyone and it doesn't matter if I cook or not. Funnily enough, when I left, the ex started telling people I thought were mutual friends that I wouldn't cook for him when he was diagnosed with diabetes and that I wouldn't do things for myself. Rioght...Tell me why I had a bruise across my stomach from doing laundry when I was so sick I shouldn't have been up, was on high doses of prednisone (Zena left footprint bruises across my chest...she only weighed 3 pounds), and was carrying around at least 30 pounds of water weight (until they stuck me in the hospital and got that off me in a weekend, as well as leaching out every bit of potassium in my system...hurts when your tongue cramps).

I won't say I *won't* marry again, but I doubt that I do. The guy would have to be pretty spectacular to convince me. :)

Hugs, Tigg

Judy, while I still use common sense in my life, you're right that so many people do not. A friend of mine recently lost her job. She can't get the unemployment page to load on her computer and won't use any common sense to ask someone if she can borrow a phone book to find the local unemployment office. I love her to pieces, but in a day, she can give me so many reasons why she *can't* do something, while not even trying the many options I can see open to her that she won't even think about. It's just too easy for her to complain and let someone else do it for her and I'm refusing to do it this time. She wonders how I can find the information she can't, when it's just too easy to do a google search or use dexknows to find a phone number (her daughter recently had a baby and I knew the hospital she was in...when I called to congratulate her, she asked how I found the phone number...I swear that sometimes she thinks I'm stupid).

It's very sad to me that parents don't teach their children common sense anymore. This friend is a few years younger than I am, but her mother is much younger than mine so I'm guessing the art of teaching your children right from wrong, to tell the truth, to use the sense God gave you, was lost somewhere in the span of years between when my parents learned it and when hers did.

Ok, I'll stop ranting now. :) Hugs, Tigg