OT: The Voices in my Head

I go with the advice of sending him a letter. You are still carrying all the guilt and garbage that were heaped on you as a child. Tell him what he did, how it affected you and what you would like to see happen. If nothing else you will have sent some of the weight you are carrying back where it belongs. And who knows? Shoot, I figure, at the rate I'm going, I ought to be out from under all the crap I'm carrying around by the time I'm seventy or so. I'll still have time to become the Grandma Moses of silver and glass. Barbara Dream Master

"We've got two lives, one we're given, the other one we make." Mary Chapin Carpenter

Some years back, I found a magazine article titled "Not The Child I Had In Mind", which was about the same thing. I can't remember now what magazine it was or who wrote it, and a Google search on the phrase brings up no hits, but I remember reading it and feeling as though a light bulb had gone off in my brain. I was *definitely* not the child my parents had in mind, and they never learned to be comfortable with who I *was*.

Celine

I think I got this one backward. All my life people told me that I should have been born male. I always liked to climb trees, then mountains, work with tools, run things, etc. I liked being boss on the job and run the household at home. Now, I just dote on my kids and wish I had been a better mother when they were younger. Even though they are both doing well in life and don't see me as having been a "bad mother". Well, except during that adolescent phase when all kids think their parents are terrible.

Maybe you need to write a letter to him. Say your piece. I stood on my natural father's grave and vented to get it out of my system. Now I tend his irises (which I brought home to St. Louis) and visualize his happiness and amazement at who I have turned out to be. He's beyond the body now. I'm sure he's seeing much more clearly.

Barbara Dream Master

"We've got two lives, one we're given, the other one we make." Mary Chapin Carpenter

A very good idea. It is cool that you have something of him with you there. I think a person's spirit would be more likely found in their garden than their grave.

My father is buried 2700 miles away, but if I'm ever up there, I'll do what you did. Long before he passed, because I was a psychology student, I wrote those unsent letters, journaled, did active imagination and dreamwork, so much that I thought I had my part of things worked out. In retrospect it would have been much better to have it out with him in person, even if it hurt. We did reconcile by phone just before he died, but he was in too much pain for me to want to cause any more distress.

• TL *

Kathy,

I am SO glad you are able to feel good about yourself...

It is pretty much impossible to imagine how that view of you could even apply.

I am always telling my DH about things "the world's best mom from the beading group, you know, the one with the P/T D" said because I SO much respect your world-view and parenting skills.

One thing that stands out in this particular post (and now that I pull it together, things you have told in the past) is that, despite problems you have with the way your parents talk and act around you, you and especially DD have a great relationship with your parents. So, despite difficulties you have had with them, you have made something great out of a not-so-great starting relationship. That is something a whole bunch of us hear seem to be struggling with and there too you are in inspiration.

marisa2

Damn! Too late now! Sure would have saved a whole lot of people a whole lot of grief. It says worlds about my step-father that both of my step- siblings (his 2 biological children by his first wife) committed suicide. Both reached out to him repeatedly during their lives. He shunned them when they did. But oh how he cried when Danny jumped off the pier at Malibu. Barbara Dream Master

"We've got two lives, one we're given, the other one we make." Mary Chapin Carpenter

Isn't that a bitch? I have always tried to let my kids be who they are, and discover and delight in how they see themselves and the world. (Not that I've been near perfect at it......). Now my youngest is less than one week from going into the Marines. He knows I hate the idea. He also knows I love him and will always be there for him, no matter what. My mother always wanted me to be a Dr. or a lawyer. Barbara Dream Master

"We've got two lives, one we're given, the other one we make." Mary Chapin Carpenter

The weird thing is, I never could figure out *what it was* that they wanted me to be! One of my friends, years later, said that was because it was a moving target -- if I tried to change something to be like what they said they wanted, something *else* immediately became the top priority. And, of course, there were a lot of things I wasn't willing to change.

After much reflection, I've about decided that they might have been happy with either a Domestic Goddess taking care of her husband and kids, or a Hotshot Career Woman making $250k/year and flying all over the country doing Big Deals (or winning front-page law cases) -- but that I was betwixt and between, not being domestic *without* having anything "worth" making that sacrifice for, they just couldn't deal with.

Celine

Well, of course he did! It meant the game was over, and he couldn't have any more fun. I've seen my cats act the same way once the bug was dead.

Sorry, I have NO respect for that sort of crocodile tears.

Celine

On Mon, 28 Jul 2003 20:17:15 -0400, Lee S. Billings wrote (in message ):

God, I know about that one.

I've been both, (not the $250K part, but not chump change either) and if my parents are any kind of a guide, that wouldn't satisfy them either. The target would change once again.

When I was jetting all over the world, making big deals (and big money) - I got grief that I wasn't properly caring for my house. During the years I worked from home, I was "wasting my talents." When I had DD, both of them were disappointed I "didn't give my husband a son." After a while, you have to respond "Whatever you say," then go along your merry way.

Selective deafness, it's a wonderful thing.

Kathy N-V

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from snipped-for-privacy@mindspring.com (Lee S. Billings) :

]Hotshot ]Career Woman making $250k/year

i think that's what daddy had in mind.

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Kathy N-V :

] After a while, you have ]to respond "Whatever you say," then go along your merry way. ] ]Selective deafness, it's a wonderful thing.

exactly,

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

I hear you. All my best stuff has been given away over the course of time, and having a snapshot at least keeps me in touch with the fact that I have done work I was pleased with...

I also hear you about getting sideswiped by family opinion not matching that of the rest of the world, and like you -- I eventually decided that the rest of the world was probably more right, and more unbiased, than those I lived with throughout my growing-up years.

Maybe that means I -did- grow up, and am not willing to blindly accept someone else's judgement just because they have a particular role in my life. Having the role doesn't necessarily mean someone knows their lines, or performs it well.

Deirdre

Oy gevelt!

Y'know, it was interesting reading about the adaptation you've worked out with your parents, which is completely different from my approach -- which was to pretty much cut them out of my life, since I liked it fine and they couldn't be with me for 5 minutes without starting to criticize. (My ex's parents were always invited to our parties. My parents weren't even told we were *having* a party; I didn't want to hear all the garbage about things I was planning wrong beforehand, doing wrong during the event, and all the things wrong about my house, my friends, and my lifestyle afterwards!) Of course, you have the kids thing to deal with and I didn't; I can see how that would have quite an impact on this particular issue. But kids aren't dumb -- as witness DD's reaction to the stream of putdowns, which is what started this thread! She's not going to be fooled by the bullshit, and she's not going to put up with it either on your behalf or for herself if they start in on her... and that's a Good Thing if you ask me.

Celine

I vote for this interpretation, too. I think we tend to both repeat the patterns of the past, and project our own insecurities outward ... until we are ready and willing to be self-aware enough to address them and own them ourselves.

Deirdre

My mother just wanted me to be happy. (be able to be happy). When I was finally able to tell her that I was so very happy with my life *sometime in my thirtys* she cried. She was so happy for me, and afraid I would never achieve this seemingly simple goal. Diana

--

I recommend 'greatly' rather than 'gently'. It sounds more definite and final.

Deirdre

greatly!!! edit, KathyH, edit, it's called proofreading , stupid!!)

On Mon, 28 Jul 2003 22:37:18 -0400, Deirdre S. wrote (in message ):

I don't finish a piece until I'm happy with the way it looks. I restring and restring and restring until I have a combination that pleases me, and sometimes I put the unfinished piece down for a while until a design idea grows on me. Even then, I have cut the thread on many pieces where the beads revealed a better placement than the one they were in.

I am quite possibly the only nut on the face of the earth that has cut up seed bead projects because I didn't like the way they were coming along and I wasn't about to waste the beads. Thank God I don't see what DH vacuums up - I'd probably have a coronary.

Kathy N-V