OT A favor

My father's abuses were obvious and brutal... my mother's were covert and subtle. Each devalued what and who their children were, and made being authentic and honest very costly. They had different techniques of coercion, and since they used them in private ... no public accountability.

I'd have a hard time choosing between the two when it comes to 'getting over' one or the other. Both are hard to acknowledge, face and recover from. Only one style left bruises, but both left scars.

I would never say to someone who was being emotionally abused "Well

The facts might be different for each of us, but the grief and sense of isolation and being vulnerable and without protectors is the same.

Deirdre

On Tue, 26 Aug 2003 12:55:29 -0400, Dr. Sooz wrote (in message ):

Ah, you obviously are not the mother of a teen girl. According to them, I should hide my face from their friends, never try to wear anything they might want to wear someday, not speak in public, private or anywhere else, and never, ever laugh. Any or all of the activites would cause a teen untold embarrassment, causing them a lifetime of being shunned by all in their peer group.

Like I care. :-)

Kathy N-V

vj found this in rec.crafts.beads, from Kathy N-V :

]Ah, you obviously are not the mother of a teen girl. According to them, I ]should hide my face from their friends, never try to wear anything they might ]want to wear someday, not speak in public, private or anywhere else, and ]never, ever laugh. Any or all of the activites would cause a teen untold ]embarrassment, causing them a lifetime of being shunned by all in their peer ]group. ] ]Like I care. :-)

boy, they would never have shown their faces around ME!

----------- @vicki [SnuggleWench] (Books)

embarrassment, causing them a lifetime of being shunned by all in their peer group.

Like I care. :-) <

HAHAHA!!!!! Amen to that! I tell my kids that their discomfort is part of my job. AND filing away pix for future blackmail.

-- KarenK Desert Dreamer Designs

OCD is "obsessive compulsive disorder". ODD is "oppositional defiancy disorder". One of #1 son's supplimental dx's. Kaytee "Simplexities" on

Agreed. And the best strategies for dealing with verbal abuse that I have seen involve simply -refusing- to accept the abuser's judgement, instead of trying to defend oneself *to* them. Since there is no real offense (though they may frame what is happening in terms of you offending them), there is no real defense.

Get sucked into a "No, I didn't" / "Yes, you did" ... and you'll be swept around and around in the whirlpool of assertion and denial forever.

Deirdre

Yeah, because they aren't really operating with the same set of assumptions you are. Non-abusers tend to think the issue is communication so they try to refine their discussion, but with an abusive person it's actually about control. The more you refine and explain the more infuriated they will get because *really* communicating actually threatens their ability to maintain control. So they fight it tooth and nail.

It's like two people speaking different languages, and it's utterly pointless to try to engage and reason with someone like this. You might as well try to reason with a three year old.

Exactly. Try envisioning the abuser as a very young child that wants his/her way and has just figured out that they can manipulate you. Really, that's pretty much what they actually are.

Laura

Thank you Katee...I'll be loking this one up for sure! Sarajane

Sarajane's Polymer Clay Gallery

view my auctions at:

No problemo...

I think of it as a creative act ... and a transformative one.

Deirdre

Yeah. I meant to say it's easier to see when it *isn't* on you. Unless you are hovering around mirrors a lot.

Deirdre

Sounds like a pleasant fate, if the peer-group is that tight-assed...

Deirdre

Yes... and engaging on their terms gives them power, and deprives you of it...

Deirdre

On Tue, 26 Aug 2003 15:30:34 -0400, Deirdre S. wrote (in message ):

The peer group is just fine. DD tells me "It's just not cool to have a mother that's cooler than you are."

That's fine with me. She needs to find her own space, away from me, and I will do whatever will help her to make that space a comfortable one.

Kathy N-V

There is such a thing as being diagnosed Contrary, and it really can be a mental thing. I used contrary as a description of my sister, and was told she was Contrary. But she's extreme, only semi socializable. She's so contrary that if she convinces everyone that she's right, she'll change her opinion! Literally. It's terribly sad and lonely.

Tina

This sounds like something it could be advantageous to know ;-)

Deirdre

If only I'd known it when we were kids!

Tina

That reminds me of one of my favorite quotes:

"That we all -- every one of us -- take ourselves seriously is not *merely* ridiculous." Dag Hammarskjold (any chance I spelled that right?)

ang. ____________________________ angelfish handcrafted baubles

And here's a quote in the same vein from G. K. Chesterton:

Angels can fly because they take themselves lightly.

Deirdre

Yeah. People think it's funny when I say "I don't wear jewelry".

But I don't, and never have.

Now I wear stuff sometimes to "stress-test" it. But actually I feel kind of silly in it. I don't feel like I dress up well, and if I try to wear "nicer" things to go with the jewelry I like to make, I feel like I'm a kid playing dress-up. I am not good at sitting like a lady or keeping things unwrinkled so I feel even more like a slob then if I weren't wearing "nice" clothing.

(I do wear skirts a lot since I haven't been interested in buying new pants since I gained all this weight and finding out exactly what size I am now... but I don't think skirts are necessarily "fancy" )

marisa2

"Deirdre S." wrote: