No, you didn't go on too long, and I do understand. There are exceptions to everything.
My mother was much more at peace than I had ever thought she'd be. She complained far less than she had her entire life -- but I decided it was because she'd made her peace with things.
I just mean as a general rule, when you squeeze something hard, what comes out is whatever was inside all along. You squeeze a lemon, you get lemon juice. You put a mean person under pressure, you get meanness and cruelty.
But it isn't always so....
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Pat P
Whichever it is, they can`t really help it!
Oh dear - that means I`m going to die laughing like a maniac! Could be worse, I suppose!
Pat P
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ricardianno
Based upon my current experiences I shall die wondering what it was that I came into the hospital to collect.
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Tia Mary
For me, I think a caveat should be added. A mean, nasty person might die being a mean, nasty person but that does not give the right for that meanness and nastiness to be directed towards a specific person. Unless you are medicated so heavily that you have no control or you are quite near death, then you DO have control over how you behave and how you treat others. That doesn't mean it will be easy -- behaviour control is probably the last thing a dying person will worry about. Mama was in the nursing home and under hospice care for five months (she had bi-lateral lymphoma with liver involvement) and I was there every day, all day, Monday through Friday (DSis had the nights & weekends). After about 2 weeks (initially she was told she didn't
*have* two weeks to live) she started to be unbelievably hateful to me. That's when I met with the hospice nurse who told me that, regardless of *what* Mama was going through, it did not give her the right to be mean and cruel to anyone. Finally, I told Mama that, because she got so upset when I was there, perhaps it might be best if I didn't come every day and spend all day with her. She said she didn't know what I was talking about so I explained how she was treating me. She got *very* quiet and thoughtful (and pouty, I might add) and said she would try to be better. That was the last time she was hateful to me and she didn't start in on anyone else. Mama was in unbelievable pain and was on increasingly higher doses of morphine towards the end. She would often get hateful in general but she never directed that hate towards the people around her, just life and her situation in general. THAT is understandable and I had no problem dealing with those bouts of nastiness. It's when that meanness is directed specifically at people that I think the person who is ill is at fault. There's a BIG difference in someone kvetching all the time about their life situation and in telling people that they are stupid or liars or not caring for the sick individual properly, etc. Those types of personal attacks are uncalled for. I do agree that mean, nasty people who are healthy and direct their meanness towards others instead of life in general will do the same thing whey they are severely ill or dying. People shouldn't accept being treated like dirt at any time and especially not just because the mean person is ill or dying!
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Jere Williams
I do completely agree with you, Tia Mary. There is never an excuse for cruelty directed at an individual. It happens, daily it seems in today's culture, but that doesn't make it right.
I was just making an observation on human nature, not excusing or validating it.
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Linda D.
I agree with you. Last year when my Dad was dying of lung cancer he spent a month in the Palliative Care Unit of our local hospital. I took three months off work to spend time with he and my Mom while he was so ill, then spent the next two months helping my Mom cope. When Dad was in hospital there were days he was cruel to my Mom. His voice had become a little more than a whisper from the cancer and my 80 yr. old Mom's hearing has deteriorated over the past few years. He would get very angry when she didn't hear him and she would ask to repeat what he had said. He was so mean and nasty. One day when he was particularly nasty I said, "Dad, don't be so hard on Mom, she's doing the best she can. It's hard on her too!" He stopped harping on her about her hearing.
But, later when he had difficulty eating and she would feed him his soup he would get all cranky and tell her to stop shovelling it in. It was so hard to see the behaviour and so I would try to make her understand he was frustrated at not being able to do things for himself., but I would also try to get him to back off. I felt like a referee, counsellor, and translater! By this time it was also a side effect of the drugs he was on... Dilaudid for pain, and Haldol for the paranoia caused by the Dilaudid. Pain control is so difficult, and watching someone in this situation makes one feel so helpless.
Linda
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Joan E.
On behalf of all of us, Thank you Mirjam! It was a great idea, fun to participate and, I hope, appreciated by those who will be the recipients.
Joan
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Dianne Lewandowski
Linda D. wrote: Pain control is so difficult,
My heart goes out to you, Linda. I know that some will be aghast at my sentiments, but after reading posts like yours, the only thing that comes to the forefront of my mind is: They shoot horses and they practice euthanasia on dogs and cats when the suffering is so great. Why, oh why do we make humans live in such tortuous situations.
My husband and I have living wills and medical powers of attorney. It is well spelled out. Unfortunately, we don't live in Oregon.
Dianne
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Jere Williams
Isn't it the most helpless feeling, watching your parents die? My sister had my dad transferred to the hospital from home, against his wishes. He died strapped to a hospital bed by a posey vest, asking me to take him home. I think in this case, though, the one who was being so ugly was my sister....I may never be able to forgive her.
Death doesn't just bring out the worst in those dying sometimes -- it does the same for some of those left behind.
It reminds me of a quote I saw during that aftermath -- to know the true measure of a man, share an inheritance with him.
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Karen C - California
Amen to that.
There have been times over the past 6 years when the pain has been so unbearable and unremitting that I've prayed non-stop for weeks "this would be a real good time to take me, God". (And God obviously had something for me to do here.)
Fibromyalgia is a non-inflammatory pain, so NSAIDs (aspirin, Advil, etc.) are totally useless. Opiates are proven to work on neurological pain, but doctors are afraid to prescribe them -- they might have to answer some government questions. So patients are left with no options other than praying for a quick death.
If I were to force a pet to endure such intense pain that she cried just trying to get comfortable enough to sleep, for months on end, the SPCA would have me crucified for being inhumane, but pleading on my own behalf fell on deaf ears, or was told to take precisely the pill, and the dosage, that I had already reported didn't work!
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Pat P
Oh, the number of times we`ve said that, Dianne. What a shame we can`t give that blessing to people (well supervised, of course!). Pat P
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ricardianno
The last and greatest gift you can give to your pet is a painfree departure; unfortunately it is the most difficult gift to give. Over the last 30 years we've been blessed with five wonderful German Shepherd dogs and have been able to ensure that they never had to endure a poor quality of life; but it wasn't easy!
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Sharon
Boy you've got my vote on that Dianne. It's terrible to see people being eaten away by cancer or Alzheimer's or Lou Gehrig's - they lose their dignity, their minds ... so awful.
Sharon (N.B.)
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Dianne Lewandowski
I'm watching a neighbor's husband being eaten away with Huntington's chorea. Not fun for either one of them. I watched my grandfather die of esophageal and stomach cancer. A slow, painful, ten-year death. He refused treatment. Doctors and hospitals were not going to get the last of his wealth, nor was he going to be a guinea pig. He said it was his time to go. The suffering the last few years was unbearable. I will never forget his stoicism.
Dianne
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Linda D.
Yes, you are right. Some people just can't deal with dying and death. It sounds like your sister is one of those people.
My Dad wanted to go home two weeks after being admitted to the Palliative Care Unit, so we made all the arrangements and took him home. It was the most difficult thing I've ever done in my life. I learned more about medications, oxygen in the home, and how to make a home safe for an ill person than I ever wanted to know. My Dad lasted
2 1/2 days at home and I had to call 911 for an ambulance. I cried and cried when I made that decision, but knew it was the right thing to do. I'm convinced my Dad lost at least two weeks of life because we took him home, but it was the right thing to do, and taking him back to the Palliative Care Unit was right too, and he knew it.
It took my a good 6 months just to be able to go to sleep at night without watching my Dad die everytime I closed my eyes. My comfort is knowing I did everything I could for him and my Mom thoughout those difficult days. I often wonder how I did it.
L>Isn't it the most helpless feeling, watching your parents die? My sister
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Linda D.
I do agree with you Dianne, but I know my Dad would have never done a living will and they had never set up Power of Attorney. Guess it's a generational thing or something. I know he would have never agreed to euthanasia either.
The neat thing is that when we got the call from the hospital around midnight on the Friday, he knew us when we got there. He said to my Mom, "You won't get any sleep here you know." She took his hand and said, "That's okay." He kissed me and he shook my husband's hand. He also knew my oldest brother and his girlfriend when he got there. My other brother chose not to come. My Mom and I stayed overnight and slept next to Dad's bed.
My Dad went to sleep, and passed at noon the next day. It wasn't an easy passing, but he knew we were there...
Linda
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Dianne Lewandowski
Oh, I would never force euthanasia on anyone. That's an individual choice. But I believe it's not thought about because the Christian ethic forbids it. Therefore, it's not a part of our social fabric. The mere thought of uttering the words or having the idea is blasphemy. And that, to me, is wrong.
Not to have a living will or medical power of attorney is just asking someone else to have to make decisions that they have no right to make. I trust my husband/daughter to abide by my wishes. We have talked about it. That's something families must do: talk about death. Difficult for most.
Dianne
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Linda D.
Agreed. What I went through with my parents for the past two years has made me realize how important it is to discuss all of this with family members. My DH and I are in the midst of having our wills updated and also setting up Power of Attorney.
I have already done these things with my Mom too. My brothers can't even discuss the topic of death with my Mom, so once again it's the "girl" doing all the work..(shrug) Figures eh?
Linda
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lucretia borgia
I think most religions preach hell and damnation if you don't believe their way and don't do as they say. I think they like to see people suffer infinitum because it serves as a great warning to those left behind, and that is why, they are against any form of euthanasia assistance.
My eldest daughter has my medical power of attorney, all legally drawn up because in Canada if you are not compus mentus, your body belongs to your next of kin, so you need that person to know what you want and make sure it is done. Without the p of a they can't be radical, but with it, you can get what you want - short of having the doctor put an end to you. At least though, they can prevent resuscitation or you being put on a machine. They have the power, without argument, to have DNR put on your chart. They can also refuse treatment on your behalf. That's the best one can do at this time until we become more liberated about the subject, like the Dutch.
How much you want to bet my daughter will faithfully follow my wishes?? She'd be too damned scared I'd be back to haunt her lol
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Jangchub
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